A Commentary on the Shared Parenting Myth
On February 16, 2016, a New Jersey Family Law attorney, Santo Artusa, presented The Shared Parenting Myth at Lexisnexis.com.
http://www.lexisnexis.com/lextalk/practice-insights/f/13/t/2849.aspx
This commentary is directed to Mr. Artusa, the author of The Shared Parenting Myth.
Dear Mr. Artusa,
The Shared Parenting Myth you referenced is somewhat remiss. Shared Parenting is not the problem in divorce and separation; Shared Parenting is the solution!
In three paragraphs, you have misrepresented the concept of Shared Parenting. The comments regarding a child transitioning between homes negate BOTH parents’ involvement in a child’s life.
Divorce tends to bring out the worst in people. Divorce can be a wicked event! Herein lies the dilemma. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that very few, if any, parents have said to their child “Mommy and daddy love you very much and this is why we are going to divorce. We want you to go back and forth between our homes.”
The idea of Shared Parenting is because one or both parents have chosen divorce. In many cases, the separation is one sided. Numerous parents would remain in the marriage in order to provide a family for their child. The concept of Shared Parenting is BECAUSE of divorce! Shared Parenting offers the opportunity for BOTH parents to parent!
Sadly, there are many parents (disproportionately, fathers) who have sacrificed everything for a mere attempt to go before a judge and ask for ‘time’ with their child. There are too many cases where parents have depleted their savings, retirement funds, sold what they did have, and borrowed from family/friends. Child support rulings are unfair and unjust. A key point to make is that even paying child support does not insure they can ‘see’ their child.
RESEARCH IS CONSISTENT! Research over the years reveals that a child who has a father/strong male figure in their life is LESS likely to engage in drinking, drugging, sexing and delinquent behaviors. The child is MORE likely to have physical and emotional health issues, experience social and academic problems. Research supports the child having a relationship with both parents.
Parents do NOT want to withdraw from their child’s life. External factors drive them out! This is one reason why Family Court reform is needed. I created a survey for parents to evaluate their experience in the Family Court system. www.RateMYFamilyCourt.com
One question asks “Use three words to describe your experience in the Family Court system.” To illustrate the point of the utter frustration experienced by the parents, here are a ten descriptions:
Traumatic. Shock. Dumbfounded.
Horrible. Hell. Frustrating.
Horrifying. Traumatizing. Life-altering.
Truth doesn’t matter.
Frustrating. Voiceless. Unfair.
Unjust. Devastating. Traumatic.
Futile. Ignorant. Careless.
Trauma. Destroying. Waste.
Unfair. Waste of time. Money grabber.
I stand alone.
If you are still not convinced that Shared Parenting is not the problem, go to www.SharedParentingConfessional.com A site that includes the experiences of parents, adult children of divorce and children of divorce.
There is a common theme showing that Shared Parenting could alleviate some of the betrayal, grief and heartache experienced by too many family members.
I would like to dignify the myth in Shared Parenting referenced in your article, The Myth in Shared Parenting. We must be mindful the myths may be truths that do exist…from the perspective of one parent.
The truth is that by going to court and filing papers one parent can remove the co-parent (disproportionately, the dad) from the family situation.
The truth is that they can tell untruths in a court of law- with no repercussions.
The truth is that they can violate court ordered custody time with no consequences.
The truth is the claim of one parent stating that their child will be ‘ok’ with the divorce/separation.
Shared Parenting means that BOTH parents are participating in their children’s lives. BOTH parents are working TOGETHER, as a team, to insure that their child is receiving the tools necessary to progress in life as a happy, emotionally healthy, physically healthy individual who is able to make age appropriate and progressive decisions. Sometimes that means two homes.
The ideal is for parents to work together. Going between two homes allows the child the opportunity to be a child and let the parents deal with the logistics!
We all have our ideologies on societal issues. Divorce and parenting are two big ticket items. While I will not begrudge you your thoughts, please reevaluate your position. Notably, the statements made in Shared Parenting Myth are clearly heartfelt and reveal strong emotions. Perhaps the comments of transitioning between homes is your situation or reflect vicarious experiences with a close friend or relative.
Regardless, divorce is different for everyone. Many parents and professionals in the divorce arena would agree that divorce is destructive!
Custody issues are difficult enough for the parents within the throes of divorce. The myth in Shared Parenting referenced in your article is hurtful to co-parents… across the globe. Divorce is between the parents and about the child!
Parents and children must continue the relationship established prior to the separation.
For that reason, Shared Parenting is the solution rather than the problem.
I welcome your comments: RNichols@TitleIVDandChildSupport.com
https://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/family-courts/a-commentary-on-the-shared-parenting-myth/
Ruth A.S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)
Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional
MyConfession@SharedParentingConfessional.com
Shared Parenting Confessional. A place for co-parents to confess feelings of betrayal, fear, heartache or humiliation experienced in divorce or co-parenting situation. Read all confessions at: www.SharedParentingConfessional.com
Rate My Family Court. A Co-Parents’ Experience with the Family Court system. www.surveymonkey.com/r/RateMYFamilyCourt-15questions www.RateMYFamilyCourt.com
References:
Fabricius, W. V. & Luecken, L.J. (2007). Post divorce living arrangements, parent conflict, and long-term physical health correlates for children of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 21 195-205.
Harkonen, J.H., Bernardi, F., Boertien, D. (2017). Family dynamics and child outcomes: An overview of Research and pen questions. European Journal of Population, DOI 10.1007/s10680-017-9424-6
Nielson, L. (2015). Shared physical custody: does it benefit most children. Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial lawyers, V. 28, 2015
Nielsen, L. (2018). Nielsen’s Research: Divorce & Shared Parenting. https://nielsen.sites.wfu.edu/divorce-shared-parenting/research/
Vezzetti, V.C. (2016). New approaches to divorce with children: A problem of public health. Health Psychology Open, 3 (2). Doi: 10.1177/2055102916678105.
Rate My Family Court, A Co-Parents’ Experience with the Family Court system. surveymonkey.com/r/RateMYFamilyCourt-15questions www.RateMYFamilyCourt.com
Shared Parenting Confessional. A place for co-parents to confess feelings of betrayal, fear, heartache or humiliation experienced in divorce or co-parenting situation. Read all confessions at: SharedParentingConfessional.com
The Shared Parenting Myth, written by Santo Artusa, posted on 2/16/16, Lexisnexis.com.
http://www.lexisnexis.com/lextalk/practice-insights/f/13/t/2849.aspx
Ruth A. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p
Contact: RNichols@SharedParentingInfo.com
1075 N. Tustin Avenue P.O. Box 5070
Orange, California 92867 United States
Sites/pages:
https://www.facebook.com/sharedparentingconfessional/
AFESP-CALIFORNIA EDITOR: Americans for Equal Shared Parenting
SharedParentingConfessional.com and http://www.Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional
Shared Parenting for Military Families
https://www.facebook.com/SharedParentingforMilitaryFamilies/
Rate MY Family Court-Survey Results https://www.facebook.com/RateMYFamilyCourt/
Rate MY Family Court Public Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/1922550138002998/
Title IV D and Child Support Public Group
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Articles:
ACCESSING SCHOOL RECORDS: A GUIDE FOR PARENTS OF CUSTODY AND DIVORCE
FAMILY COURT: ALL PATHS LEAD TO THE CHILD
https://sharedparentinginfo.com/2018/08/23/family-court-all-paths-lead-to-the-child/
IMPACT OF PARENTAL CONFLICT ON PHYSICAL GROWTH
RESEARCH! “GET OVER IT”
https://sharedparentinginfo.com/2018/08/21/research-get-over-it/
INTERPRETING TITLE IV-D: OVERVIEW https://sharedparentinginfo.com/2018/08/16/interpreting-title-iv-d-overview/
WRITING TO YOUR LEGISLATORS: 5 Easy Steps https://sharedparentinginfo.com/2018/08/10/writing-to-your-legislators-5-easy-steps/
DIVORCE LIES AND THE IMPACT ON YOUR CHILD-PART 1
This talks about how children are pulled into the web of deception some parents create to deter 2: How to deal with lies your ex tells your child,
https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/divorce-lies/
HOW TO DEAL WITH LIES YOUR EX TELLS YOUR CHILD-PART 2
How do children believe the lies they are told about a parent? How do parents explain the lies? This talks about responding to the negative untruths told to your child. https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/how-to-deal-with-lies/
FALSE ALLEGATIONS IN FAMILY COURT: WHO IS TO BLAME
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/false-allegations-in-family-court-who-is-to-blame_us_57cf9499e4b0273330ab4329?fb_comment_id=1199486940093263_1203631906345433&comment_id=1203154896393134&reply_comment_id=1203631906345433#f170a889445c87e
A COMMENTARY ON THE SHARED PARENTING MYTH
https://sharedparentinginfo.com/shared-parenting-myth.html
CONFESSIONS FROM ALIENATED GRANDPARENTS
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/58c0fe79e4b0c3276fb78185
10 heartbreaking confessions of divorced https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-heartbreaking-confessions-of-divorced-parents_us_57c6832ce4b06c750dd75a4b
DARE to be Authentic-Vol. 3. Learning to Trust Yourself:
Chapter 14. Self-trust: Simply Amazing.
Book organized by Mari Mitchell ISBN-10: 1514776456, ISBN-13: 978-1514776452