Custody situations are different for everyone. Yet, there are common elements experienced by children and parents.

Many parents and professionals are of the mindset that custody matters are ‘between the parents and about the child’.  This is the motto of Shared Parenting Info. This is putting the child first in custody matters.

What issues should we be talking about? Here are four questions we should be asking in child custody matters:

Question # 1: Should the child change to accommodate what is happening?

“We have two childrearing philosophies in this society one for children of married parents, and one for children of divorce. We act as though these are two different species of kids. They’re not. They’re the same kids, with the same needs. Divorce doesn’t magically make turn a baby into a hardy creature. It just demands that babies become that way, whether they are capable of it or not.” (Marriage Missions, Two Different Species of Kids).

Question #2: Do the needs of the child change because of custody matters?

“The needs of children of divorce are the same as before the separation. They still need the emotional security of knowing they are loved and have parents who will take care of them. Somehow, children of divorce are categorized differently. During and after divorce the child somehow becomes older and wiser and is designated as possessing the ability to handle all of the difficulties of life. All of a sudden, they are no longer seen has a child with typical emotional needs. This is almost as if they have developed magic skills by the mere introduction of the word divorce. Then the ‘R’ factor comes into play. Resiliency factor. An all powerful word altering the perception of how the child experiences divorce. Instead of being a child with age appropriate emotional needs they are now ‘resilient’. Making them capable of providing their own emotional support system.” (Marriage Missions, Two Different Species of Kids).

Question #3: Should the child have to choose one parent over the other?

The child is a part of both parents. They have loving, endearing and positive experiences about mom and dad. How can we expect the child to choose one parent over the other? Children want to maintain that relationship with each parent following the separation. The child should be allowed to be a child and let the parents deal with the parental matters.

Question #4: Does the child need to change because this makes things easier for everyone else?

If we accept ‘the children will adjust’ and ‘the children will learn to accept the changes’, then, everyone can maintain the course. This simplifies the process for everyone. There is no need to do anything differently. Extra efforts to accommodate the child are unnecessary.  Addressing the emotional needs of the child are unwarranted because, ‘the children will be ok.’

Perhaps, we should take this one step further.  Maybe the question we should be asking is ‘how may we help the child adjust to the changes in their world.’ After all, custody matters are ’between the parents and about the child.’

References:

Marriage Missions International: marriagemissions.com/about-us-2/quotes-on-children-and-divorce/

Quotes from children:

letstryeurope.blogspot.com/2011/05/kids-views-on-separation.html 

telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/3645040/A-childs-eye-view-of-divorce.html

Children of divorce. M. Gary Neuman1/1/06

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/children-of-divorce_1