Research! “Get Over It”
Children were asked to draw pictures and answer questions about parental divorce.
Following are their questions and responses, and descriptions of their artwork:
Facts and Figures
| 4-7 | Age range of children in study: Average age 5.4 |
| 41 |
Number of children included in study: 22 boys and 19 girls
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| 24% | Children made a family picture with parents drawn together |
| 34% | Children that revealed ‘conflict damage’ in responses and drawings |
| 41% | Children expressed a ‘reunion fantasy’ of their parents |
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Purpose of Study
To learn how children ages 4-7 perceive parental divorce
Question #1
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Responses to question #1
“When parents don’t live together any more”
“They don’t like each other”
“Divorce has lots of anger and it causes hurt”
“Somebody gets married and not married anymore”
“Yelling together at each other”
“It starts with love, then you don’t live together, then you get unmarried, then you love other people, go back and back and back and forth” as the child stated the last phrase, he picked up a slinky from his own toy box and slowly stretch it, gesturing toward the playhouses on either side of him. Extended slinky “and then…you break” lets the Slinky snap close and crash to the floor between the two houses.
Question #2
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Responses to question #2:
“A lawyer is your boss. He tells you stuff you have to do. If not, he’ll fire you.”
“The judge is who decides who you really will live with. The attorney doesn’t know.”
“Lawyers help moms and dads get away from each other.”
“Judges and lawyers try to help parents get back together.”
Question #3
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Responses to question #3:
“If mom and dad lived next to each other we could just walk over.”
“Say this to moms and dads: ‘Do you love each other?’ And then they have to say yes, and then give them some chances (not to divorce).”
“Please make it so they could try to get along.”
“Tell mom and dad to marry someone else. Two divorced people should’ve married someone else from the beginning.”
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Question #4
Responses to question #4:
“I wish there was a law that judges could make so parents could get back together after they ‘get over it.’ Can divorce ever get undone?”
“If I were the judge. I would pick the mom?”
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4.5 year-old boy created a drawing of his house with a magic treasure chest where all the family members popped out and were seated together around a table.
5-year-old boy stalled in drawing his picture because he felt he had to choose one parent. The picture he did draw included his dad and the child stated, “I’m smiling because I’m with my dad.”
5-year-old boy: Resided with his father and expressed “more time with mama”. In his play arranged all doll furniture in mom’s doll house and nothing for the father’s doll house.
6-year-old girl in drawing her picture of a family, she added her dad (to the picture ) and shouted ”I miss him so much!” she began hugging herself and saying over and over “I love you! I love you!”
6.5-year-old boy pushed the houses together and stated, “I wish my houses were like that (touching).” Then rearranged by putting one house of top of the other.
5-year-old girl used a toy Band-Aid to help the dolls “figure out where they belonged” “this “ [Band-Aid] tell you if you’re in the right house.”
“Back-and-forth makes me sick. I want to throw up-both ways.”
One stated a mantra during the play session: “too long a drive, too long a drive.”
One child focused on the travel process and took time to stuffing each play item in the toy vehicle and her pockets, and then “driving” all over the house-that as soon as the dolls arrived at “dads house,” it was time to go back to ”moms.”
4- year-old female: arranged her houses and furniture then had an avalanche strike, killing everyone.
4-year-old child: revealed a fight between two daddy dolls and both were taken to jail by a policeman.
7-year-old girl stated “I never want to see my father again, except if he’s back with my mom. Then I won’t be angry at all.” When playing with the house and doll figures, she made efforts to “squishing” the dad to death.
Summary
In this study, 4-7 year-olds share their understanding of custody matters. Responses show how they perceive the separation and parental conflict. Many young children are able to identify the role of an attorney and the power a judge has in making decisions about their future.
The artwork and play activities give a sneak peak into how children process what is happening in their world. Children are impacted by parental actions and court decisions.
Divorce/separation is between the parents and about the child!
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“GET OVER IT”: PERSPECTIVES ON DIVORCE FROM YOUNG CHILDREN†Article first published online: 4 SEP 2009 DOI: 10.1111/j.1744-1617.2009.01280.x
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Ruth A. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE
Contact: RNichols@SharedParentingInfo.com
1075 N. Tustin Avenue P.O. Box 5275
Orange, California 92867 United States
Sites/pages:
https://www.facebook.com/sharedparentingconfessional/
AFESP-CALIFORNIA EDITOR: Americans for Equal Shared Parenting
SharedParentingConfessional.com and http://www.Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional
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https://www.facebook.com/SharedParentingforMilitaryFamilies/
Rate MY Family Court-Survey Results https://www.facebook.com/RateMYFamilyCourt/
Title IV D and Child Support Public Group
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Articles:
ACCESSING SCHOOL RECORDS: A GUIDE FOR PARENTS OF CUSTODY AND DIVORCE
IMPACT OF PARENTAL CONFLICT ON PHYSICAL GROWTH
RESEARCH! “GET OVER IT”
https://sharedparentinginfo.com/2018/08/21/research-get-over-it/
WRITING TO YOUR LEGISLATORS: 5 Easy Steps https://sharedparentinginfo.com/2018/08/10/writing-to-your-legislators-5-easy-steps/
DIVORCE LIES AND THE IMPACT ON YOUR CHILD-PART 1
This talks about how children are pulled into the web of deception some parents create to deter 2: How to deal with lies your ex tells your child,
https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/divorce-lies/
HOW TO DEAL WITH LIES YOUR EX TELLS YOUR CHILD-PART 2
How do children believe the lies they are told about a parent? How do parents explain the lies? This talks about responding to the negative untruths told to your child. https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/how-to-deal-with-lies/
FALSE ALLEGATIONS IN FAMILY COURT: WHO IS TO BLAME
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/false-allegations-in-family-court-who-is-to-blame_us_57cf9499e4b0273330ab4329?fb_comment_id=1199486940093263_1203631906345433&comment_id=1203154896393134&reply_comment_id=1203631906345433#f170a889445c87e
A COMMENTARY ON THE SHARED PARENTING MYTH
https://sharedparentinginfo.com/shared-parenting-myth.html
CONFESSIONS FROM ALIENATED GRANDPARENTS
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/58c0fe79e4b0c3276fb78185
10 heartbreaking confessions of divorced https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-heartbreaking-confessions-of-divorced-parents_us_57c6832ce4b06c750dd75a4b
DARE to be Authentic-Vol. 3. Learning to Trust Yourself:
Chapter 14. Self-trust: Simply Amazing.
Book organized by Mari Mitchell ISBN-10: 1514776456, ISBN-13: 978-1514776452